I don’t know if this is the influence of having my period (it probably is lmao), or whatever the fuck is happening in my life right now (stressing over apartments, stressing over what I have to study, stressing over every single fucking thing).
I feel frustrated. I don’t know what exactly it is, but I want to get up, pack everything I have, and actually experience something. Something strong, full of energy.
I feel like I’m wasting my 20s because of my weak body and mentality. I can’t fucking finish a damn 50 minute study section, and recently I have attention span issues of not being able to concentrate. I just don’t know what’s happening over myself right now. I’m probably just overthinking, but how do I stop this?
I want to be full of energy, vibrating with good energy and strength. My ideal self would have the force inside that would drive me to hangout with friends all day and have energy to grind on my personal project the next day. I want to be able to challenge myself to a hackathon, a game jam, personal exercise challenge, personal projects, actually creating meaningful art pieces..
But I don’t know. I don’t know. What the fuck is wrong with me.
I just feel lost. Like, I don’t even know who I am or what I like, or why I’m grinding so hard in the first place. I realized, while forcing myself to do Python, that I actually don’t enjoy this. lmao. I guess I’m not that fucked in a sense that I actually made progress in shit I’m doing right now, I actually have friends and family, like I have support all over the place. It’s just me. I think something’s broken in me. Not in a cringey-emotional way, but more like some neural functionings in my brain or body is not processing properly, like a brain function being broken. Or something like that. A purely biological thing that leads to a problem in the mind and the heart.
So that’s why today I watched Doctor K’s video on ADHD on women, and many of the things that he said actually makes fucking sense. I am scared I actually have ADHD, so I don’t want to go to the doctor to get a full diagnosis just yet, but I’ll leave myself open to the possibility.